Tomorrow.

Before I lay my head down to rest for the night, I just wanted to come on here and express how incredibly nervous I am about my meeting tomorrow with the psychiatrist.
I'm not nervous because I am expecting the worse, I'm nervous because I want it to go well and I'm afraid that this might be what I won't expect. This could go one of two ways, really.
A) It could go really well and what I won't expect is a huge amount of relief and the proper care needed to suit my level of anxiety.
or B) It won't be what I expect because it won't all happen right away, which is what I really want.

I know this is all a progress and I know that not everything can happen in one day. I am a very impatient person and I worry that all of this work is going to be nothing but a bunch or words; advice I have already read about in books. I'm worried that it will only become the situation: "It's not like it's something I haven't seen/heard before". Get my drift?

I can hardly sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night because I look forward to this so much. To have some weight lifted off my shoulders would be the indescribable. To have days where I would put everything behind me and not think the worse would be tremendous! I could cry tears of joy at the thought because every day has a been a heartbreak. I've struggled for so long and the only thing I desire is that one brief moment of release and peace of mind.

You have no idea how much all of this would mean to me. I cry every single day because I constantly fight this enemy inside of myself which I have dedicated to calling: "Half of something else".  I constantly battle with being happy and sad. My switch is always being flipped and I just want to remain neutral with myself. I want my loved ones to see my brighter side. This enemy that haunts me on a daily basis is not who I am meant to be, but because I fear of my actions and the reaction of others is what really halts it all.

So tell me, am I wrong for being worried? Does it make me a bad person because I know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to help myself? I shouldn't be ashamed, but yet I am. This is really hard for me. All I want is something.

I really am trying to focus on the better part of this experience and that is getting the help I need and deserve. I don't want to deal with the conflict negativity brings. I want to start over and I want to feel it. This is my moment and I know that just as much as everyone else out there, their moment is coming as well....this is just the beginning. If I have to fight myself, I will make sure that this journey starts out with great positivity. There is a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel. I don't just want to see that light, I want to walk out of that tunnel and feel the essence of the real (happier) world.

Tell me, what would be your biggest relief after dealing with a battle within yourself?

Sincerely,
Josie