My night summed up.

I love my boyfriend.

I love the world we've created with each other.

I love this universe that attaches us.

I love his love. 

I am complete. 

Progress.

I had every intention of coming on here today and sharing a DIY that I've been planning all week and then I realized something else...I have been stuck in my own world on all these positive things I've been encountering and it's been making me super happy so I decided to put it off for another day.

Consider this as a positive negative...lol.

Anyway, as you all have been following, I've been yearning for a way to make my life better and mostly in an emotional sense. I've dealt with anxiety so long that I've been so unraveled. It's hard getting yourself out of a hole that is essentially becoming a grave.

Today, I've made some positive changes starting with the way I look at things and it feel so wonderful! Normally I get anxious in public places, no matter te circumstance. I instantly become shaky and then I mentally put myself down. Today as I was browsing through a store, I began to think about things differently. I focused on the things I was after and how happy of an impact it's going to make later on. I looked at a shirt and complimented myself for the first in a long time. I was genuinely happy! I wasn't shaking out of nervousness and I talked backed to myself civilly. This was the most life changing experience to date and began to see how easy it will be to continue.

Another progress I've been making is my credit card debt that I've been struggling with for a while. I don't openly speak about this because really, who would? No one should be proud of their debt...at least not until you get out of it. I never thought about how hard it would be to get out of credit card debt until I got myself into it and now little by little, I'm starting to get out. It's a liberating feeling amongst many.

So you see, I have legit reasons why I put off something I said I would do and I hope it doesn't sound like another excuse, but truly, this is why I spaced out on it. I am naturally a space cadet either way, but today was something really positive that deserved to take the spotlight.

What is something positive that you encountered lately?

Sincerely, 

Josie 

We are who we are.

Has anyone else binged on season 2 of Orange is the New Black? I have and I'm now dealing with the agony of wondering about season 3. I really am going to be lost until then...

This past week I went to see Wayne Static perform all of "Wisconsin Death Trip" and it was amazing just as the first time I heard it many years back. This week endured many ups and downs but I still remain on top and in control of my feelings and finding better ways to control my anxiety or hopefully it works.

You all may or may not know that I've been dealing with anxiety and that I've been taking prescription Prozac to help with it, but recently I've decided to not take it any longer and it's been a motherfuckin nightmare since and I sincerely feel awful for the way I've been feeling and acting out on it. I had a bad attack while I was at the Wayne static show and my boyfriend got the blunt end of it and it pains me because it wasn't his fault. I've turned around since then and he's been such a wonderful soul for helping me deal with this. We are getting somewhere.

I just want everyone to know that I'll be okay and that I've tried the best I could to try out medication, but it just wasn't wooing me the way I wanted to and the feeling I had really fucked with me so I had to stop. Anyone who's been through this will understand. It's hard and fucked up, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. Maybe I'll make it out of the tunnel one day, but for now I'm just working out the navigation. 

Hopefully everyone has a good rest of the  week because I'll have more to come and a small DIY to share. Weds will be the day for that! Until then, hold on.

Sincerely,

Josie

Life and Death.

Life is a really complicated place. I don't know how else to stress it. These past couple days have really brought out a lot of emotion inside of me to really dwell on all the things in life that make it wonderful and the things in life that make it what it is. One of the greatest things about life that I completely enjoy is the people that are placed in it and how they have shaped some part of it. And this is where it begins...

On Tuesday a very special woman to me passed away. My dear aunt Shirley whom I have grown to love with so much in me left myself and many others with a great deal of sadness in our hearts. Along with the sadness, words cannot even convey how much joy Shirley has placed in our hearts as well and in which is mainly why many of us are deeply saddened.

Life is a piece of work, but death is a motherfucker. I wish just as much as others that death did not exist and that we could live forever...but it simply cannot be done and we find ways in life to cope with our losses and find ways and signs of life to continue on. This is probably the hardest realization and also the only thing that helps us in the end.

I never thought I could ever hurt so much in my entire life. That feeling of something missing weighing our hearts is so intense that you feel as if yourself is the one dying. Instead, we live.

I used to be terrified of death. I would lie awake in the night and fear of where I would end up if somehow I died. I would (back when I had belief) pray to god and ask for safety and I would clutch onto my chest and cry because I could not fathom not being able to breathe. As you grow older you become less fearful and your question of the unknown lessens. Today I still wonder, but not until I run out of breath.

We've all been to that place in life where we would like to disappear and never be in existence. This is the most selfish feeling in the world, but you're a fucking liar if you've claimed to never felt this way. I've contemplated this many times and still do from time to time because once upon a time we've all been told that there's a "better place" amongst us and we eventually go there when time ends. Sounds almost like a dream, right? 

I don't want you all to read this and think I'm being a downer because that's not at all what this is about, in fact, there's a silver lining. Life is too short and many take for granted what others lived and breathed appreciatively. People get shunned for beaming positivity. Others get treated like shit for being true to who they are and mostly for the way they respresent it. I fucking hate how people can be so cruel and make others feel so inferior. It's like what I've stated in my last post and if you refer that to this, you'll realize exactly how important life is and how it matters to be a better you each and every day.

I don't preach "stop giving a shit" for nothing...and this is exactly why it should be applied now. Do you want to live lfe with regrets just because someone was insecure that you could change the world? I didn't think so. Be kind and love more. Stop pushing people away, especially those that matter the most! What are your last thoughts and feelings going to be of this person once they pass  or rather how would they feel about you?

If I could create a foundation for a better tomorrow, my platform would be appreciation. People expect so much in a world where only little can be given. Appreciate the damn little things in life because sometimes that's all that can be given and at most becomes the biggest impact in your life and in others. When you only have so much to give, don't advertise it as just something small, make it become like an investment where it can become huge over time. 

In conclusion, I've learned through aunt Shirley's passing that the most important things in life are usually the smallest gifts. I grew up with loving parents that may not had the world to give me, but they gave me a small portion of what they could that trend into bigger and better things in life. Those gifts were: loyalty, appreciation, honesty, and kindness. To this day I've learned to utilize this so that others can learn by example just how big of an impact it can make.

Life is wonderful if you utilize your experience correctly and there's never a late start in shaping it better. Go ahead and make your mistakes, but learn from it. Treat others how you'd want to be treated. Someone out there is fighting a battle as well. Make their fight less extreme. Pay it forward.

Sincerely,

Josie

Confessions of a Cam Girl.

I have done a few odd jobs in my time and it's weird saying that considering that I'm only 23, but I have and it makes this experience acceptable for me to talk about.
This economy is shot people, so there are many justifications as to why some people do what they do. When I speak in the terms of "odd jobs", I am not talking about shoveling shit on the side to make ends meet, no, I am talking about something more exotic. I discovered my spot in the online community as a "Cam Girl".

A "Cam Girl" or "Cam Performer" is someone genuinely female (sometimes male or trans) that goes online and basically has sex with themselves for money and gifts. It's not a very respectable job in the public eye, but it's one step away from actual porn, depending on how you define porn in your eyes. I like to think of "camming" as basically a porn-like service, but you still get to keep your dignity in the process. Camming is like stripping because of all the alter-egos you can create, but you're basically alone half the time and the only ones that can see you are the viewers on the internet that pay.

I made great money as a cam girl, I won't lie. There were nights where I would make over $500 (I only worked about 2-3 hours 3 days a week) and on top of that, strangers would send me items from my Amazon wishlist as a token of appreciation. I had it pretty well made, but I also had to keep myself safe in the process, so that's where the alter-egos kicked in. No one really knew who I was, where I was from, etc. I kept it pretty low-pro as much as I could despite how bad I wanted to just be myself.

The reason why I began camming is because I wanted more so the adventure versus the money as odd as that may seem. Sure, I was struggling a little bit because I didn't make a lot of money at my job, but in the end I really loved the attention and I couldn't believe how much money people actually would pay for me to show off my body. I did this off and on for two years and the worst part of the whole experience that I can name to date is the secrecy of it. It's hard hiding something like this from the general public and fearing someone would find out. It's really hard.

Here's how my shows would generally go:

• I would start out by looking nice; full face of makeup and all. 
• The voyeurs would come in and I would chat them up until I would start getting requests.
• I'd get tipped for normal things such as flashing my tits and ass and the rest is just accumulated to the point where I would just get naked.
• I'd have my guests request their favorite songs and I would dance to them, in return gaining more tips. They really loved when I would dance to their songs and special points and tips for remembering their names/identities.
• Lastly, I say my goodbyes and tell everyone I would see them later and then log off and cry.

Yes, I cried every single night that I performed, but never once did my viewers ever see it because I always wanted to keep up with appearances and make them believe I was getting off just as they were. My room was a positive outlet and I wanted to keep the positivity going despite the pervs that would lurk into my room. I had quite a few perverts on the other end and oh my god, the beggars...

If you ever have experienced the cam world, you will notice that the place is filled with beggars, begging you to show your goodies for free. Usually at the expense of a viewer, you would get paid for the things you'd do, but then you had those viewers that would beg and beg. I usually kicked those people out because they were just too much. Trust me, if I was doing this just for the sheer pleasure of getting you getting your jollies, I'd totally give you a show at my expense....but since I made legit money, I required a fee and if you couldn't comply with that, I'd make you leave. That's the biz, yo!

The other main voyeurs that you would come across as a cam girl are the "High Rollers"; people that tip you big time for various, sometimes unknown reasons. These high rollers you end up noticing the most because you want that money and the more attention you give to them, the more you make as a cam girl. These people are the ones that keep what you do thriving. You want these people on your side. Another thing I should mention is that the high rollers not only tip you well, but they also moderate your chat for you as well.

There are various types of people out there, but the only thing that defines them is how they act towards you and most of them are dogs.

I liked and hated my secret life as a cam girl because of all the baggage it piled on me. I knew what to expect when I got into the biz, but I never realized how difficult it would be to carry it all around.

Would I recommend this life to someone? Absolutely not. It's emotionally hard on a person and it puts a lot on you to carry, hide, and protect. If you think that you can't get hurt as a cam girl, you're seriously mistaken. I could've put myself in some serious situations and as someone that tries to live life a little more respectable, it scares me to know what could've been. And so that brings me to how I got out...

When I decided to flee from the cam world, I had just started seeing my now current boyfriend. He knew what I was doing unlike my previous boyfriend and I only told him because I wanted to start a relationship with him with complete trust and honesty. If my boyfriend didn't like me doing this, I was going to stop doing what I was doing and completely devote myself to him and he would be the only one that would see my body as it would be the right thing to do. This was the perfect excuse to get out because I had seriously wanted to around that time. However, he was respecting of it and was very supportive, which made me feel more guilty for doing it.
When I finally quit camming, I had a scary encounter with a private showing. I am not going to get into much detail, but I was basically threatened to the point where I didn't even want to look at computer screen again. This situation brought me to tears and once it blew over (about a week later), I told my boyfriend that I was no longer going to do camming anymore. My body was for him and him only. I explained my scary encounter to him and he completely relieved all of my fears and that was the end of it.

Although I made really good money by camming, you now see why I had malaise feelings about it as well. I commend those that have been working and are still working in this business because it's really hard. I think about the people that do this daily because I want them to be safe. Never should anyone have to do this and never will I give out advice on how to get started and ect....simply because that's not my life anymore and I don't want to relive anymore painful memories that have damaged a lot of my emotions in the process.

I understand what I did is not very "role model-like", but I never claimed to be a role model. I did this because I wanted adventure and I wanted to stimulate my income a little more than what I would get otherwise. I don't plan on going that far again because I believe in the value of saving my money. Before, I was terrible at saving money and I guess I still am, but I am learning and that's all I can say about that.

You have other options in life and should any of those options be "adventurous" much like the ones I've endured, just play it safe and always have a good supportive person by your side while you're doing it. Your life will be safer and you will feel more secured as well.

Have any of you experienced something like this before? Share your story!

Sincerely,
Josie

P.S. This is just part of my series of "Odd Jobs" that you will see more of, so stay tuned!

Prozac Nation

Today I had my appointment that I was so looking forward to for months now. Today is a day of celebration and relief. I am super excited that my journey has finally begun and I can now relax and know that the proper help I need is accessible to me.

My psychiatrist and I talked a lot about my life and going back into the past made me cringe a little. I can't believe that it was so long ago when I was just a lonely teenager struggling with this problem and had attempted a few suicides. I've realized now that this person no longer exists and moving on is the only way that I will be free from it.
Today I was prescribed 20 mg of Prozac. I feel silly and a little crazy knowing that I now take Prozac. Apparently it will be good for me and I cannot wait to see what it does for me. I still feel odd about it though. I have decided to start my first run with Prozac in the morning.

I now have to take counseling as well. I have the same counselor that I first went to after my last suicide attempt at age 19. It will be nice to see her again and hopefully she will be able to remember and see what a difference a few years has done for me. I really cannot wait to see her.

I am off to a great start and for the first time, I do not feel anything. I do not feel any weird emotions waiting to burst out of my system and for once I feel...free. I am elated.
I cannot expect this drug to make me better instantly, I have to wait 2-4 weeks until any results begin to show. I am a pretty impatient person, but I am willing to be patient for this.

As well as everyone else knows, everything in life is a progress. I know things will change when the time is right and even though I feel great right now, I still have a long way to go. Until the time comes when I actually feel full control of myself, I will document everything so that it can be added into my novel: "Half of Something Else". Speaking of that, I mentioned this to my psychiatrist today and she likes my idea of it. I was so excited to explain it to her as well as having a full attention for once.

Please don't be afraid to comment your thoughts on these kinds of posts as there will be more. I am more than happy to reach out to anybody struggling or if someone just has a thought or question. Like you, I know sometimes I would like to be given advice every now and then.

Sincerely,
Josie

Battle of the Bug.

There's been something going around work...some kind of virus and I was fortunate enough to catch it. I've been bed-ridden for the past two days, missing work, and deal with a high temp while the outside temp has been hot as well.

I feel stupid terrible about the missing work part...ugh, you have no idea. Unlike some people out there, I actually care about my job. Sure, some days I may not like it...in the end, it's a job and it helps pay for my expenses. 

Today was a lot better than yesterday. I don't have as high of a fever, my head is slowly easing away from a headache, and thankfully, my stomach isn't in a huge knot. I think things are looking up and yes, I am going to work tomorrow.

I am so thankful for my boyfriend for checking on me as well as my mother. I am thankful that this virus didn't turn into anything serious. Most of all...I am thankful that I can eat something without the urge of throwing it up. Life is definitely a lot better.

Dealing with a sickness is tough. I wish I didn't get sick. I wish I could have erased yesterday and stuck it out, but it would have ended badly either way. However, tomorrow is another day and I will make it brand new.

How do you deal with an illness?

Sincerely,

Josie

Horror Review: "A Serbian Film"

I was instructed not to watch this movie by my best friend and fellow horror lover. As a curious being, I needed to see it just to fuel said curiosity.
I wish I never watched the damn thing. Christ!

If there's one thing I despise the most in this world it's rape. From my own personal self-conviction, that's the most degrading and dehumanizing thing that could ever happen to a human being big or small. Rape to me is not horror. And I digress...

More about the film:

(The trailer)

A Serbian Film (directed by: Srdjan Spasojevic) is about a semi-retired porn star who agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to disconnect from his "career". Sounds like any ordinary standard horror flick, right? Wrong. It only spirals down from there and it surely isn't light on the content.

First of all, it's rated NC-17 which to me would seem good in the quality of gore as it is something I look for when I am seeking a horror flick to watch. Second, it's a foreign film and just about every other foreign horror flick I've ever seen is twisted and heavy content is to be expected. This is hardly the case, in fact, it's much more than that...basically it's more so a snuff film.

Anyway, this semi-retired porn star Milos delves into rape, pedophillia, and (dare I say) necrophilia. Though this guy thought that he was just making some project, he discovers it's so much more than that and as I have stated, he finds himself involved with making a "Snuff" film. So in conclusion, the guy's contract binds him into this film which he finds there's no way he can back out of it and he and his family are fucked (both literally and metaphorically).

My thoughts:

Before I completely shut down this film (which was intended), I would like to state a few things. 

First, as a person who has done sexual things (I was a cam girl at one time) in front of the general public, I understand where some of the content comes from. Although I've never personally done/participated in "snuff" filmography, there are people out there that do this. As well as the content in the film (rape, child abuse, etc), people do that as well in real life.

Second, I will give the film credit for the fact that it is exceptionally well made and I say this with a huge lump in my throat. Horror is hard to do well or mainly the business is hard competition. If you want to engage your audience in sheer shock, then you have to make something that is going to do just that. Even though the content is not necessarily real and just made for the sake of filmmaking... it was highly convincing that this actually happened and I commend the filmmakers for making that come to life, but that's just about all I am going to give it. 

This is hardly shock value...no, Marilyn Manson is considered shock....this is something else...

I don't do well with films that insist Child Abuse, rape, or anything of the matter is acceptable. I will never watch this film again nor do I recommend that anyone should. If you are as curious as I was, you probably will watch it...but don't say I didn't warn you.

This movie is banned in some countries, people....and I can see now why it is! I had to stop this movie a couple times just to gain strength to continue watching it. As a victim of sexual abuse, I cannot stress of how terrifying it is and the horrifying flashbacks it ensued. 

If you've seen this film, you know exactly what I mean. It's not light at all like most horror is nowadays. So tell me, how does that make you feel?

Sincerely,

Josie

Review: LMN's "Anna Nicole" Movie Premiere!

So judging by the title, you can pretty much guess what my Saturday night consisted of. You guess it, the Lifetime premiere of "Anna Nicole".

Say what you want about Anna Nicole Smith. Personally, I am a huge fan of hers and was distraught by her death and I remember the day she died just as if it were yesterday. My family and I were stuck at the airport because of a delayed flight to Las Vegas. It was a family trip and her death was all over news. I was 16 years old and I was so depressed that one of my favorite icons was dead and gone.

I didn't look up to Anna Nicole as a role model in the sense that I wanted to be just like her. Anna Nicole was more so an idol in the sense of fashion and glamour the same as I looked up to Marilyn Monroe (and in fact I am obsessed with Miss Monroe). In a sense, Anna Nicole was like a modern day Marilyn Monroe if you really look at it. The way I look at Marilyn Monroe is the way I see Anna Nicole Smith...they were both very self-destructive icons that will never be remembered for more than their looks and their hunger for fame....and I guess drugs too. More so, I like to see them one in the same because of their similar backgrounds as well as their personas.

To say the very least, I remember both Anna Nicole and Marilyn Monroe for the way they transformed themselves and their projects that left behind their legacy.

Now onto the film review...

I was so excited for LMN's depiction of Anna Nicole's life. I had researched a lot about her throughout the years so I already pretty much knew what to expect when I watched the film. When reviews started popping up about what this movie was going to be like, I grew more excited.

Instead of focusing on Anna Nicole's projects that shot her to fame, this film more so exposed her background and how she came about to being Anna Nicole Smith. I had read multiple fan pages and news articles that had given some background to her life as well as some documentaries I've watched, but to see it all portrayed in front of a live audience (many whom are huge fans such as myself) is so much more.

I enjoyed this film thoroughly and I caught myself in tears during some very dramatic scenes during the film. It's hard to fathom going through a life such as hers, but it does put a lot into perspective...especially what the cost of fame does to you. Infact, look at all the of the celebrities today whom are struggling with much of the same disorders that she went through.

The actress portraying Anna Nicole Smith (Agnes Bruckner) did a fabulous job and I could hardly tell the difference between her and the real Anna Nicole. Hours before the movie started, I found an article online where the actress talked about her transformation into Anna Nicole. Agnes Bruckner went through hours of prosthetics just to emulate Anna Nicole's body. However, the real transformation was more so getting into the mind of Anna Nicole, which I can imagine would be the hardest part of the role.

Some of the scenes in the film seemed a little far fetch in some aspects. I am not going to give away any details from it, but there's some pretty personal scenes that depicted some actions between Anna Nicole and her son Danny (Graham Patrick Martin) which could be seen as misleading to the audience. This raises the question: "How do they really know this is how it happened"? However, many could guess through reports from Miss Anna Nicole herself, she may have exposed some her son's behavior.

The last thing that I will say about the film is that it's definitely worth the watch whether you are a fan or not. Whether you believe the story behind her life and success, you won't be disappointed. The actors in the film made it very convincing and it's not overly dramatic. So grab some popcorn and feast your eyes on it for yourself.

How do you feel about Anna Nicole Smith's story?

I know some of you may feel that this might be a little biased considering the fact that I idolized her, but however you look at it...she was still a person with a very larger than life story.

Sincerely,

Josie

Families and Finances...

This week I am excited for numerous amount of things...and I will get to that in a moment once I open this discussion with something else on my mind..

First: I had this deep inner realization that being responsible with money (financially independent if you will) IS SUPER HARD! I realize that I am an idiot with the way I handle money and the more I save though I want to compulsively shop my ass off, I find myself acting like a crack head going through withdrawal every time I browse a website. I am in a debtors Anonymous group though I really don't have any debt. I pay my bills on time every month and mostly before it's even due. You would think that for someone who is responsible with paying bills would be super smart about saving money, right? Yeah...no..
I had to use my bank's "Checking Advance", which is basically like a loan except it comes right out of your checking when you get money deposited...or ya know, if you decide to pay it back before its due date some other way...yeah, I am terrible at explaining things....

Well in conclusion, I am so bad with money that I had to get one of those and now my check on payday will be smaller because dumbass me had to spend money and use a Checking advance to have money so I can survive. I wish I had more money....but I guess that's why we work. However, this puts everything behind because I want to move out in the fall (Oct-Nov-ish), but I don't see that working out with the way my money management is. I want to save at least 3 grand before I venture. Can I do it? I don't know, but I certainly hope.

NOW....onto things I am excited for:

• I get to see the love of my life Monday and I could not be any more excited.
• I am going to see Marilyn Manson on tuesday
• A good friend of mine is coming up and I cannot wait to catch up and reminisce about the good ole days.

And now something I am not excited for:

• My five year class reunion. 

Why the hell do I want to see people that never gave a shit about me back then? It's not like I have to justify how I am doing in life. Sure, I live with my mom...maybe not the most glamorous thing in  life, but times are tough and I am in no position to argue a free stay. Besides, I don't completely freeload my mother; I pay my own way plus some of her bills. I am functional.

I want to let everyone know that living with your mom in your twenties is nothing to be ashamed of. Like I stated; times are tough. Money is really tight on my end and maybe it's the same for you as well, but don't consider living with parental units a shameful thing...consider them a roommate if it helps. Now, living with parents in your 30's-40's (unless you're like one of those foreign families that all live together) then that's a different story and then I feel personally that you should start thinking about your life a little more. This does not count for those foreign families and/or if you live to take care of your parents because of financial/medical reasons.

Anyway....I am planning a move...I need to save more money...would like to make more money....yeah there's nothing else I can say...
if y'all have any awesome tips to boost my financial situation, please send 'em my way!

 Even though I'm broke, my spirits are not.

Sincerely,
Josie

A fresh start...

Well, I really don't know what to say that could already be said by the title. This is a fresh start. I thank many of you (or few) that have followed me or perhaps patiently waited for me to post. My apologies that it took so long. Let me explain...

I've realized that much like every person out there, I have a very ADD mind and with that, I like to switch things up every now and then. We are human and it happens. Things change in life and every now and again we like to transform, reinvent ourselves if you will. This would be my case in point.
When I started this blog, I was thoroughly convinced that I wanted to talk about fashion and how to save money and how to do this and how to do that...you get my point. However, I am not very passionate about just one particular thing. I like to talk about multiple things and I want you to see through that. From now on, it's going to be different.

Here's the thing...I don't want to be like every other blog out there. I don't want to show pictures of my kids (not that I have any) and I don't want to give you the ole ho hum about this awesome fashion craze out there. That's not me and I want you to come to this page and feel that. I want this to be a place where I can express whatever I come across...things that inspire me and hopefully inspire you one day. I want to talk about my friends and I want to talk about horror movies (as it is my favorite genre ever). I may bitch and I may moan and yes, I swear...but I am human and I will have that translate.

Let this be a place where we all can participate and become one. This is not just about me...this is about us.

Lets make this happen and lets make it legendary.

I look forward to seeing where this goes and this time I promise to stick around.

Sincerely, Josie.