Prozac Nation

Today I had my appointment that I was so looking forward to for months now. Today is a day of celebration and relief. I am super excited that my journey has finally begun and I can now relax and know that the proper help I need is accessible to me.

My psychiatrist and I talked a lot about my life and going back into the past made me cringe a little. I can't believe that it was so long ago when I was just a lonely teenager struggling with this problem and had attempted a few suicides. I've realized now that this person no longer exists and moving on is the only way that I will be free from it.
Today I was prescribed 20 mg of Prozac. I feel silly and a little crazy knowing that I now take Prozac. Apparently it will be good for me and I cannot wait to see what it does for me. I still feel odd about it though. I have decided to start my first run with Prozac in the morning.

I now have to take counseling as well. I have the same counselor that I first went to after my last suicide attempt at age 19. It will be nice to see her again and hopefully she will be able to remember and see what a difference a few years has done for me. I really cannot wait to see her.

I am off to a great start and for the first time, I do not feel anything. I do not feel any weird emotions waiting to burst out of my system and for once I feel...free. I am elated.
I cannot expect this drug to make me better instantly, I have to wait 2-4 weeks until any results begin to show. I am a pretty impatient person, but I am willing to be patient for this.

As well as everyone else knows, everything in life is a progress. I know things will change when the time is right and even though I feel great right now, I still have a long way to go. Until the time comes when I actually feel full control of myself, I will document everything so that it can be added into my novel: "Half of Something Else". Speaking of that, I mentioned this to my psychiatrist today and she likes my idea of it. I was so excited to explain it to her as well as having a full attention for once.

Please don't be afraid to comment your thoughts on these kinds of posts as there will be more. I am more than happy to reach out to anybody struggling or if someone just has a thought or question. Like you, I know sometimes I would like to be given advice every now and then.

Sincerely,
Josie

Horror Review: "A Serbian Film"

I was instructed not to watch this movie by my best friend and fellow horror lover. As a curious being, I needed to see it just to fuel said curiosity.
I wish I never watched the damn thing. Christ!

If there's one thing I despise the most in this world it's rape. From my own personal self-conviction, that's the most degrading and dehumanizing thing that could ever happen to a human being big or small. Rape to me is not horror. And I digress...

More about the film:

(The trailer)

A Serbian Film (directed by: Srdjan Spasojevic) is about a semi-retired porn star who agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to disconnect from his "career". Sounds like any ordinary standard horror flick, right? Wrong. It only spirals down from there and it surely isn't light on the content.

First of all, it's rated NC-17 which to me would seem good in the quality of gore as it is something I look for when I am seeking a horror flick to watch. Second, it's a foreign film and just about every other foreign horror flick I've ever seen is twisted and heavy content is to be expected. This is hardly the case, in fact, it's much more than that...basically it's more so a snuff film.

Anyway, this semi-retired porn star Milos delves into rape, pedophillia, and (dare I say) necrophilia. Though this guy thought that he was just making some project, he discovers it's so much more than that and as I have stated, he finds himself involved with making a "Snuff" film. So in conclusion, the guy's contract binds him into this film which he finds there's no way he can back out of it and he and his family are fucked (both literally and metaphorically).

My thoughts:

Before I completely shut down this film (which was intended), I would like to state a few things. 

First, as a person who has done sexual things (I was a cam girl at one time) in front of the general public, I understand where some of the content comes from. Although I've never personally done/participated in "snuff" filmography, there are people out there that do this. As well as the content in the film (rape, child abuse, etc), people do that as well in real life.

Second, I will give the film credit for the fact that it is exceptionally well made and I say this with a huge lump in my throat. Horror is hard to do well or mainly the business is hard competition. If you want to engage your audience in sheer shock, then you have to make something that is going to do just that. Even though the content is not necessarily real and just made for the sake of filmmaking... it was highly convincing that this actually happened and I commend the filmmakers for making that come to life, but that's just about all I am going to give it. 

This is hardly shock value...no, Marilyn Manson is considered shock....this is something else...

I don't do well with films that insist Child Abuse, rape, or anything of the matter is acceptable. I will never watch this film again nor do I recommend that anyone should. If you are as curious as I was, you probably will watch it...but don't say I didn't warn you.

This movie is banned in some countries, people....and I can see now why it is! I had to stop this movie a couple times just to gain strength to continue watching it. As a victim of sexual abuse, I cannot stress of how terrifying it is and the horrifying flashbacks it ensued. 

If you've seen this film, you know exactly what I mean. It's not light at all like most horror is nowadays. So tell me, how does that make you feel?

Sincerely,

Josie

Review: LMN's "Anna Nicole" Movie Premiere!

So judging by the title, you can pretty much guess what my Saturday night consisted of. You guess it, the Lifetime premiere of "Anna Nicole".

Say what you want about Anna Nicole Smith. Personally, I am a huge fan of hers and was distraught by her death and I remember the day she died just as if it were yesterday. My family and I were stuck at the airport because of a delayed flight to Las Vegas. It was a family trip and her death was all over news. I was 16 years old and I was so depressed that one of my favorite icons was dead and gone.

I didn't look up to Anna Nicole as a role model in the sense that I wanted to be just like her. Anna Nicole was more so an idol in the sense of fashion and glamour the same as I looked up to Marilyn Monroe (and in fact I am obsessed with Miss Monroe). In a sense, Anna Nicole was like a modern day Marilyn Monroe if you really look at it. The way I look at Marilyn Monroe is the way I see Anna Nicole Smith...they were both very self-destructive icons that will never be remembered for more than their looks and their hunger for fame....and I guess drugs too. More so, I like to see them one in the same because of their similar backgrounds as well as their personas.

To say the very least, I remember both Anna Nicole and Marilyn Monroe for the way they transformed themselves and their projects that left behind their legacy.

Now onto the film review...

I was so excited for LMN's depiction of Anna Nicole's life. I had researched a lot about her throughout the years so I already pretty much knew what to expect when I watched the film. When reviews started popping up about what this movie was going to be like, I grew more excited.

Instead of focusing on Anna Nicole's projects that shot her to fame, this film more so exposed her background and how she came about to being Anna Nicole Smith. I had read multiple fan pages and news articles that had given some background to her life as well as some documentaries I've watched, but to see it all portrayed in front of a live audience (many whom are huge fans such as myself) is so much more.

I enjoyed this film thoroughly and I caught myself in tears during some very dramatic scenes during the film. It's hard to fathom going through a life such as hers, but it does put a lot into perspective...especially what the cost of fame does to you. Infact, look at all the of the celebrities today whom are struggling with much of the same disorders that she went through.

The actress portraying Anna Nicole Smith (Agnes Bruckner) did a fabulous job and I could hardly tell the difference between her and the real Anna Nicole. Hours before the movie started, I found an article online where the actress talked about her transformation into Anna Nicole. Agnes Bruckner went through hours of prosthetics just to emulate Anna Nicole's body. However, the real transformation was more so getting into the mind of Anna Nicole, which I can imagine would be the hardest part of the role.

Some of the scenes in the film seemed a little far fetch in some aspects. I am not going to give away any details from it, but there's some pretty personal scenes that depicted some actions between Anna Nicole and her son Danny (Graham Patrick Martin) which could be seen as misleading to the audience. This raises the question: "How do they really know this is how it happened"? However, many could guess through reports from Miss Anna Nicole herself, she may have exposed some her son's behavior.

The last thing that I will say about the film is that it's definitely worth the watch whether you are a fan or not. Whether you believe the story behind her life and success, you won't be disappointed. The actors in the film made it very convincing and it's not overly dramatic. So grab some popcorn and feast your eyes on it for yourself.

How do you feel about Anna Nicole Smith's story?

I know some of you may feel that this might be a little biased considering the fact that I idolized her, but however you look at it...she was still a person with a very larger than life story.

Sincerely,

Josie