Prozac Nation

Today I had my appointment that I was so looking forward to for months now. Today is a day of celebration and relief. I am super excited that my journey has finally begun and I can now relax and know that the proper help I need is accessible to me.

My psychiatrist and I talked a lot about my life and going back into the past made me cringe a little. I can't believe that it was so long ago when I was just a lonely teenager struggling with this problem and had attempted a few suicides. I've realized now that this person no longer exists and moving on is the only way that I will be free from it.
Today I was prescribed 20 mg of Prozac. I feel silly and a little crazy knowing that I now take Prozac. Apparently it will be good for me and I cannot wait to see what it does for me. I still feel odd about it though. I have decided to start my first run with Prozac in the morning.

I now have to take counseling as well. I have the same counselor that I first went to after my last suicide attempt at age 19. It will be nice to see her again and hopefully she will be able to remember and see what a difference a few years has done for me. I really cannot wait to see her.

I am off to a great start and for the first time, I do not feel anything. I do not feel any weird emotions waiting to burst out of my system and for once I feel...free. I am elated.
I cannot expect this drug to make me better instantly, I have to wait 2-4 weeks until any results begin to show. I am a pretty impatient person, but I am willing to be patient for this.

As well as everyone else knows, everything in life is a progress. I know things will change when the time is right and even though I feel great right now, I still have a long way to go. Until the time comes when I actually feel full control of myself, I will document everything so that it can be added into my novel: "Half of Something Else". Speaking of that, I mentioned this to my psychiatrist today and she likes my idea of it. I was so excited to explain it to her as well as having a full attention for once.

Please don't be afraid to comment your thoughts on these kinds of posts as there will be more. I am more than happy to reach out to anybody struggling or if someone just has a thought or question. Like you, I know sometimes I would like to be given advice every now and then.

Sincerely,
Josie

Horror Review: "A Serbian Film"

I was instructed not to watch this movie by my best friend and fellow horror lover. As a curious being, I needed to see it just to fuel said curiosity.
I wish I never watched the damn thing. Christ!

If there's one thing I despise the most in this world it's rape. From my own personal self-conviction, that's the most degrading and dehumanizing thing that could ever happen to a human being big or small. Rape to me is not horror. And I digress...

More about the film:

(The trailer)

A Serbian Film (directed by: Srdjan Spasojevic) is about a semi-retired porn star who agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to disconnect from his "career". Sounds like any ordinary standard horror flick, right? Wrong. It only spirals down from there and it surely isn't light on the content.

First of all, it's rated NC-17 which to me would seem good in the quality of gore as it is something I look for when I am seeking a horror flick to watch. Second, it's a foreign film and just about every other foreign horror flick I've ever seen is twisted and heavy content is to be expected. This is hardly the case, in fact, it's much more than that...basically it's more so a snuff film.

Anyway, this semi-retired porn star Milos delves into rape, pedophillia, and (dare I say) necrophilia. Though this guy thought that he was just making some project, he discovers it's so much more than that and as I have stated, he finds himself involved with making a "Snuff" film. So in conclusion, the guy's contract binds him into this film which he finds there's no way he can back out of it and he and his family are fucked (both literally and metaphorically).

My thoughts:

Before I completely shut down this film (which was intended), I would like to state a few things. 

First, as a person who has done sexual things (I was a cam girl at one time) in front of the general public, I understand where some of the content comes from. Although I've never personally done/participated in "snuff" filmography, there are people out there that do this. As well as the content in the film (rape, child abuse, etc), people do that as well in real life.

Second, I will give the film credit for the fact that it is exceptionally well made and I say this with a huge lump in my throat. Horror is hard to do well or mainly the business is hard competition. If you want to engage your audience in sheer shock, then you have to make something that is going to do just that. Even though the content is not necessarily real and just made for the sake of filmmaking... it was highly convincing that this actually happened and I commend the filmmakers for making that come to life, but that's just about all I am going to give it. 

This is hardly shock value...no, Marilyn Manson is considered shock....this is something else...

I don't do well with films that insist Child Abuse, rape, or anything of the matter is acceptable. I will never watch this film again nor do I recommend that anyone should. If you are as curious as I was, you probably will watch it...but don't say I didn't warn you.

This movie is banned in some countries, people....and I can see now why it is! I had to stop this movie a couple times just to gain strength to continue watching it. As a victim of sexual abuse, I cannot stress of how terrifying it is and the horrifying flashbacks it ensued. 

If you've seen this film, you know exactly what I mean. It's not light at all like most horror is nowadays. So tell me, how does that make you feel?

Sincerely,

Josie

Families and Finances...

This week I am excited for numerous amount of things...and I will get to that in a moment once I open this discussion with something else on my mind..

First: I had this deep inner realization that being responsible with money (financially independent if you will) IS SUPER HARD! I realize that I am an idiot with the way I handle money and the more I save though I want to compulsively shop my ass off, I find myself acting like a crack head going through withdrawal every time I browse a website. I am in a debtors Anonymous group though I really don't have any debt. I pay my bills on time every month and mostly before it's even due. You would think that for someone who is responsible with paying bills would be super smart about saving money, right? Yeah...no..
I had to use my bank's "Checking Advance", which is basically like a loan except it comes right out of your checking when you get money deposited...or ya know, if you decide to pay it back before its due date some other way...yeah, I am terrible at explaining things....

Well in conclusion, I am so bad with money that I had to get one of those and now my check on payday will be smaller because dumbass me had to spend money and use a Checking advance to have money so I can survive. I wish I had more money....but I guess that's why we work. However, this puts everything behind because I want to move out in the fall (Oct-Nov-ish), but I don't see that working out with the way my money management is. I want to save at least 3 grand before I venture. Can I do it? I don't know, but I certainly hope.

NOW....onto things I am excited for:

• I get to see the love of my life Monday and I could not be any more excited.
• I am going to see Marilyn Manson on tuesday
• A good friend of mine is coming up and I cannot wait to catch up and reminisce about the good ole days.

And now something I am not excited for:

• My five year class reunion. 

Why the hell do I want to see people that never gave a shit about me back then? It's not like I have to justify how I am doing in life. Sure, I live with my mom...maybe not the most glamorous thing in  life, but times are tough and I am in no position to argue a free stay. Besides, I don't completely freeload my mother; I pay my own way plus some of her bills. I am functional.

I want to let everyone know that living with your mom in your twenties is nothing to be ashamed of. Like I stated; times are tough. Money is really tight on my end and maybe it's the same for you as well, but don't consider living with parental units a shameful thing...consider them a roommate if it helps. Now, living with parents in your 30's-40's (unless you're like one of those foreign families that all live together) then that's a different story and then I feel personally that you should start thinking about your life a little more. This does not count for those foreign families and/or if you live to take care of your parents because of financial/medical reasons.

Anyway....I am planning a move...I need to save more money...would like to make more money....yeah there's nothing else I can say...
if y'all have any awesome tips to boost my financial situation, please send 'em my way!

 Even though I'm broke, my spirits are not.

Sincerely,
Josie

A fresh start...

Well, I really don't know what to say that could already be said by the title. This is a fresh start. I thank many of you (or few) that have followed me or perhaps patiently waited for me to post. My apologies that it took so long. Let me explain...

I've realized that much like every person out there, I have a very ADD mind and with that, I like to switch things up every now and then. We are human and it happens. Things change in life and every now and again we like to transform, reinvent ourselves if you will. This would be my case in point.
When I started this blog, I was thoroughly convinced that I wanted to talk about fashion and how to save money and how to do this and how to do that...you get my point. However, I am not very passionate about just one particular thing. I like to talk about multiple things and I want you to see through that. From now on, it's going to be different.

Here's the thing...I don't want to be like every other blog out there. I don't want to show pictures of my kids (not that I have any) and I don't want to give you the ole ho hum about this awesome fashion craze out there. That's not me and I want you to come to this page and feel that. I want this to be a place where I can express whatever I come across...things that inspire me and hopefully inspire you one day. I want to talk about my friends and I want to talk about horror movies (as it is my favorite genre ever). I may bitch and I may moan and yes, I swear...but I am human and I will have that translate.

Let this be a place where we all can participate and become one. This is not just about me...this is about us.

Lets make this happen and lets make it legendary.

I look forward to seeing where this goes and this time I promise to stick around.

Sincerely, Josie.